Day 13

Breaking Up

After all the Minstrations,
Gyrations and
Generous libations
We've got great style.
You Swept me off my feet,
Absolutely.
First time for everything:)
Your good was gooood.
So good i was in love.
Made the world stop turnin when i used to walk out my door to see you.
Now its all changed
Guess the world moved on
And left us without a band
Cause i cant hear the music no more.
We had the good times babe
I been seein you
And you, I think you been seein me.
Suddenly the lights came on
And we just arent so stoked on what we see
So lets just move on
Now let it be.
Ill always love you babe
And damn i hope you always love me
But its never going to be the way it used to be.
Dammit.

Alone

Surrounded by the stuff of a life
The detritus of pieces of life
Lived and lost or landed in the wrong place
Walking through the days
Without purpose or drive
Lessons learned
Lessons burned
Hopes and aspirations
What are those?
What do you want?
What will you do?
What matters to you?
Can you see through the haze
And the turns in the maze
That it can all be so clear
Just let go of the controls
Dont be so easy to craze
Youll throw it all away
If you dont find something in this haze
Maybe your there
Its all right in front of you
Close your eyes to see the truth
Accept
Alone

A New Start

I am going to start my day by sleeping alone.
Its a little sad.
And Im feeling the bruising, grating emotion from someone very special out there right now who I will be missing tonite.

My heart has been filled.
And today it was knocked over, mostly by myself but it does take two in the end.

I do miss you my love.

I know that tonite you will find this painful to read and not very satisfying, you may even try to deny it.
But as time passes know that the love we shared cannot be extinguished and the moments we had are eternal.
We may not continue on together physically, but our spirits have joined forever and I am joyful for this.
I may have said some harsh words during our journey together.
The path we traveled was not always smooth.
But know that you may always call on me,
for I am still your friend.

Sleep well.  

A New Day

Started three minutes ago.

Somebody smart recounted recently how many days, and hours, and minutes the average person gets in a lifetime.
Right along with how many hours we spend in traffic, and how many minutes we spend standing in lines.
Im glad we dont ruminate on these silly facts very often, guess thats why we continue to sit in traffic and lines.
Everyone except my brother and good friend Amos that is.  The two souls I know who have mostly managed to arrange there lives so as to avoid these mostly useless experiences.
But I digress.

But today is a NEW day.
And we get one of these every twenty four hours.

Take that for what you will.

Have a great Day:)

Feeling Better

One comment Ive gotten so far - "Your posts are Depressing."

Well, being laid up indefinitely does give one pause and can lead to some soul searching that will bring out a darker side.

Let it be known - I do have a darker side;)

I say this with a wink and nod because....
...  its true I do have some dark thoughts and occasional bouts with negativity

Ive always had a glass half full approach to life and the daily grind we all face each day.

Daily Grind... or Daily Dance in this paradise which all find ourselves living in.

Now, especially NOW for me, is a moment to focus on this daily dance and the beautiful opportunities that each moment holds for us.
Ive been easily swayed in the past, and will face again in the future, the bouts of self doubt and trauma of self afflicted moroseness.

I want to thank those of you who are close to me who sometimes subtly remind me that the person they know is renowned for the positive energy and past amazing exploits which are testament to the amazing opportunities we all have in life.

And so today I can report that physically as well as mentally, I am Feeling Better.

Great things lay before us my friends:)

Dedicated to my beautiful partner of the past year that I have recently struggled so passionately to understand and accept.
I love you always Allison.

First Checkup

Heres what I woke up to this morning -
Cough
Bend over let me pull those staples out of the your back.

Not a pretty picture?
It didn't hurt, much.
2 more weeks of rest.

Oxycodone is 20 cents a pill - what a deal.

Ques: Walking?
Re: If you feel like it.
Ques:  Can I walk to the park?
Re:  Maybe your not listening to what Im saying.  You need to rest.  Walk as much as you like.  Dont try and exercise it.  Do whats comfortable.
Ques: Now that Ive lost so much material in my L5 disc will I be shorter?
Re:  No
Ques:  Can I get more drugs?
Re: Yes

I've been in a daze for the past week.
First quarantined to quarters.
Second being drugged enough that walking feels like Im on the moon - bouncy

Its not all bad.
I can followup on all my random thoughts.
I have endless time for research.
The mind boggles at the possibilities.

The mind is weak in the face of Netflix.

Counting Hours

24 hours in the day.
A constant that can feel anything but constant.
When you wake up does that clock stare you in the face? Taunting you to get up, get at it, your late, never enough hours?
Your getting wrapped up in the constant demand of time.
Or do you smile at the clock, enjoying the moments as they pass, wherever you may be, in whatever state your in.
Letting go of the drive of the clock.
Give the call of keeping time away.
Let you be your ruler, not the incessant marching of the moments.
Spend your time in the moment.
Let go of the urge to be more, to get more out each moment.

Get a pet.
Animals are great reminders that not a lot of what we do matters.
As long as we have food, we will probably be ok.
Other than that whats the rush?
Wheres the fire?
There is none and everything is going to be fine.

We have no purpose.
That is a fact.
Our perceived purpose is only that which we bestow upon ourselves through neediness.
Do we need purpose?
Only insofar as we need to eat and breathe.
Everything else is secondary and conjured up to fill our moments.

Moments when we could be enjoying the moment.
When we put a purpose to the moment its possible we could be accentuating that time.
More likely we are trading our time for some bigger perceived goal.

A paycheck
The opportunity to build something bigger
We trade away years of moments for the idea that we work for a bigger purpose.
We trade away decades of moments to assuage the fear that someday we may not have enough to...
... what?
... of what?
Security? Peace?  Place? Love? Companionship? Dreams? Health?

All this is ours already.
So why do we count the hours?

Being Who We Are

Becoming what we are
Struggling to be who we see ourselves as
Our minds vision not always agreeing with whats in the mirror
Striving for what we see in our mind
Becoming what we already are in the mirror
No choice
Accepting what we are
Feels so hard at times
Becomes reality
Like it or not

Dear Friends and Family

Challenges come into all our lives.

Today I was told that I need a second back surgery.  

On Monday, July 29th,  I woke up in considerable pain and was unable to walk or sit.  A herniated disc in my back has deadened my left foot and given me agonizing sciatic pain down my left leg.

This means the end of my work in construction and the beginning of a new, less impacted, lifestyle. 

Change in our lives presents a perfect moment for appreciation.  Deep and thoughtful reflection on how we got where we are. 

I believe its due to the wonderful people in my life and that’s why Im writing and reaching out today.

In this moment Im at a crossroads.

I feel Ive worked hard to get to this point.  

Sometimes I feel that following a hard work ethic has left me unprepared for the demands Im now going to have to face.  Like my hard work could have been better spent had I reflected a bit at times and made adjustments.   I suppose this is what I'm doing now.

So far since waking up to the pain of a slipped disc and becoming an instant invalid Ive been in to see 3 surgeons and a chiropractor. 

The general consensus is that surgery is inevitable, but theres some confusion as to how this is possible after the first surgery I had.  Basically the point of the first surgery I had was to clear out all the disc material which was bulging into my nerves.  Whats happened now is that some of that material was still in the spine and its bulged into my spinal column/nerves again.  Only this time its causing severe pain and numbness which cannot be ignored,  and must be corrected immediately or I will have permanent damage. 

I’ve had amazing support since this has happened and I’m doing all I can to figure out the best way to treat and recover from this.

Needless to say Im facing a lot of challenges.

If I elect to have surgery again it’s a minimum 8 week recovery.

I am blessed to have Allison, my loving girlfriend, by my side through this.  Her support and help has been amazing.  Along with everyone else especially my Mom and good friend Jim.  My neighbors at home gave me a ride to the ER the first day.  Everyone who's been supportive and who will be I give my deepest thanks.  I hate being a burden and its very hard to ask for help sometimes, but I am deeply grateful to those that have responded and helped.

For some time I’ve been contemplating a serious career transition, and this is my sign that its time.

My goal is to find a fulfilling career that utilizes my skills of management and building knowledge.

Anyone wondering how they can help I ask you if you know of any opportunities that I might be interested in, which would be less impact than the remodeling work Ive been doing for the past 7 years, please let me know.

This situation is a trial in life and a reminder of the good things we do have.  I hope to connect with everyone soon and if you have any experience to share with me please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Thank You,

Peter Maurer